I used to include the following in my signature when posting on some forums on the Internet:
“I want to start a revolution of kindness.”
I still think kindness is important, though that particular revolution was started at other times by much more qualified people than I. The biggest reason I quit using it as my signature line was, I began to think people looked at those words and thought “bleeding heart liberal” or “easy mark” — or they saw it as just plain cheesy. I became self-conscious about it.
Why? Why do we think of kindness as uncool, naive, or unrealistic?
I sometimes think we’ve become victims of our own twisted ideas about social victimology. We assume that someone is out to get us unless we get them first, that few people mean us well, that if a stranger acts kind he must have some ulterior motive. We’re more and more cautious, even about answering the phone or watching an ad on TV. And whom to vote for? Oh my gosh. What do they want now? What are they really saying? Who’s going to smile first, and will they really mean it?
Maybe I spend too much time online, where anonymity seems to bring out the worst in people. Or I watch too many violent movies, or read too much news. What is the reality of kindness in our world today? Is the world in fact much more peaceful, live-and-let-live, and even kind than I perceive?
Money comes first these days, if not in the minds of individuals then at least in the goals of the boss, the media, the government, and seemingly everyone we do business with. Try talking to a car salesman about kindness, and his eyes will glaze over. To him, kindness is me buying a car from him. But there I go, with my own victimology, perceiving him as unkind because he’s doing his job. I assume that’s all he’s about. Ignoring kindness becomes a self-perpetuating circle, because when I ignore it in others, I deplete its value. I find myself doing this too often online, out in the world, and even sometimes at home.
Today I came across an interview with Sharon Salzberg on Beliefnet titled, Is It Uncool To Be Kind? in which she explored that question. Salzberg believes that kindness takes a “5th-class status” these days. But she sees kindness as a force, a kind of empowering personal skill with which each of us influences the world, and she insists that practicing kindness is the key to our happiness.
So what ever happened to kindness? Can you be kind and still be cool? Cynicism, fear, illness, injury, resentment, greed, anger, poverty, lack of trust, pain, grief, and far too many other negative experiences, which we all have in one form or another, undermine our ability to see through other people to their innate humanness, and their kindness. Those are heavy things to work through. Sometimes they seem impossible to overcome. They fog our view of the world and each other. But maybe that’s just because we haven’t practiced focusing on kindness recently, haven’t replenished our own kindness centers — by opening our hearts. I still believe most people have a wealth of kindness inside them, and I think that being kind is the simplest way to draw others’ kindness out. When engaged in skillfully, the practice of kindness becomes a continuous exchange that all parties always gain from. How amazing is that? Why is kindness so powerful? Because it’s compassion — unconditional love — and that is the most powerful force in the universe when allowed to flow. Held inside it sours, stagnates, and becomes a mere shadow of itself, an anxious need, a sick, wasting hunger. It’s the one form of wealth in the universe that’s impossible to overspend and deadly to hoard.
So, who’s going to smile or say something kind first? The best thing about kindness is, that doesn’t matter. Because as soon as one person expresses it, the other is more likely to.
Maybe a little kindness revolution now and then is a good thing. I know I could use more practice.
1.
As the song put it, what’s so funny about peace, love and understanding? (Well, OK, Elvis Costello sounded like he was pretty pissed off at, and not very understanding of, people who found those things funny….)
It is hard, though, to be a decent person these days. As you point out, the moment you even hint that you might be motivated by anything other than, for example, greed or power lust, you’re labelled a wimp, or a liberal (as if that’s a pejorative) or just a liar. Some people don’t seem able to believe that anyone might honestly care about anything beyond their own self interest. The debasement of our society only serves the worst people, those who really don’t give a damn about anybody else.
Comment by Eric Mayer — November 9, 2006 @ 5:52 pm
2.
I think that kindness is the most essential thing that any human being can learn. I am so with you on the whole being kind thing…
Comment by violetismycolor — November 9, 2006 @ 8:12 pm
3.
Kindness lost out to supposed honesty which in truth was only rudeness.
Comment by susan — November 9, 2006 @ 10:32 pm
4.
I think there’s lots of kindness “out there”. Sometimes you just have to start first. I try to stay away from people who have sharp tongues and try to make people unhappy. Can’t always do it, but I keep the list as short as possible.
We have a family member who is always ready for a battle. I try hard to keep in the safe zone. If that makes me cowardice, so be it. But I’ve cried enough in my life.
Cas
Comment by cassie-b — November 10, 2006 @ 5:19 am
5.
I believe in kindness, and my exploring kindness in my own life has validated my beliefs. It is very easy for us to get caught in the hectic world we live in and to have our thoughts revolve around “self”. Yet when we pause and take a moment and step out of our self and do something simple for someone else, kindness is re-discovered.
As a youth I was a Polyanna, and as life took hold and I had to participate in the “Real World” I became much more of a pessimist. However by expecting the worse or negative in my life, I honestly believe I often encouraged negativity entering my life. Today I am back to my positive attitude, and no life isn’t a smoothe trouble free ride, I probably have more problems than most, but because I choose to be positive and kind to others, my life is definitely more enjoyable.
Comment by daretobe — November 10, 2006 @ 7:49 am
6.
I believe there is still room in the universe for kindness, even if it’s not the major force pushing the universe these days. Be a rebel — continue to be kind where you can.
For my part, I find the dogs always appreciate it. No wonder I pretty much prefer them to people.
Comment by blogdog — November 11, 2006 @ 3:13 pm
7.
Not only is it “uncool” to be kind, it’s also considered somewhat weak-minded and self-righteous. At work I’m teased for being a goody two-shoes, because I try to help people see the other side(s) to a situation. Because I try to do the right thing, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. And uncomfortable I often am, because I’m embarrassed when I talk about treating everyone with respect and dignigy-and everyone in the room looks at me as though I just sprouted wings or something.
Sigh. I don’t want to make excuses for others’ behavior, but sometimes there are factors beyond the obvious. Plus a little kindness in our judgment of them goes a long way.
Comment by Sarah — November 14, 2006 @ 12:27 pm
8.
P.S. Certainly wouldn’t hurt if I could learn to spell “dignity”!
Comment by Sarah — November 14, 2006 @ 12:35 pm