Eric Mayer’s post on Serious Business made me think about how we’re perceived or misperceived by others, when we blog or when we’re face to face. The tangent I take on this has to do with introverts and extroverts. I don’t presume to know which Eric is. His post made me think about this because I’m an introvert, and I picked up a book again just yesterday on this topic.
Introverts tend not to be as outwardly expressive, or to let others deep into our worlds as readily as extroverts. We’re not bubbly, cheery people for the most part. We tend to ponder. We enjoy time alone and many of us don’t like noise or interruptions. Introversion is a natural personality trait, and though introverts are probably in the minority, there’s nothing wrong with being so. We don’t dislike people, but people are sometimes difficult for us to be with. I think this has a lot to do with energy exchange and personal boundaries. It doesn’t mean anyone’s done anything wrong. It usually means we have different styles of interacting. Different people respect varying personal thresholds.
Is either an introvert or an extrovert better than the other? Of course not, and a world of all one or the other wouldn’t work for me. I see this as a yin/yang kind of thing. I hesitate even to group people into broad classifications like this. Each person is unique, a blend of many elements, but most of us lean one way or the other toward extroversion or introversion, some more so, and I think it’s the “more so” people where introversion is concerned who wind up with others trying to change them, and feeling misunderstood.
As a quiet person, I’ve sometimes been misperceived as shy, depressed, weak, or negative. I may not always look happy, and I don’t think quickly on my feet, but I have a vivid internal life, an ability to focus, thrive on down time, and think complex problems through. I don’t like attention focused on me, and I don’t like crowds. I work best in the background. I’m better at writing than speaking. I keep a tiny, close circle of friends.
When I was young the world seemed to tell me there was something wrong with being an introvert on this planet, so for a while I tried to change who I was. Experience has taught me that short bursts of such adaptation are fine, when they fill a purpose or need. But whenever I’ve tried to force a permanent personality change in myself I’ve wound up exhausted, with a constant feeling of not measuring up. I prefer to be true to myself.
I may read and write about a lot of serious topics, but to me that’s not being negative. I wouldn’t feel honest ignoring the negative side of life, and I don’t think a one-sided view is healthy or allows for solving the very real problems in the world. When I write about serious subjects it’s likely I’m in a positive frame of mind. It’s a sign I’m optimistic that something can be done if only more people would educate themselves and voice their opinions in the right places, if they would think through how they vote, how they spend, and what in the world they support. When it’s a serious personal subject, I focus there because I think all parts of one’s life should be examined and acknowledged, there should be awareness. I try to keep a balance, to see the clouds as well as their silver lining. I don’t think being happy means I should never be serious, that I should ignore the clouds and focus only on sunshine. I can, of course—I’m often silly in fact. Others rarely see my silly side, but my husband, close friends, and pets do.
Maybe seriousness isn’t all about being introverted or extroverted. Other factors come into play in the totality of who anyone is. I like to explore the variety of cultural, social, political, familial, spiritual, historical, geographical, and ethnic backgrounds people come from. But perhaps the most noticeable and meaningful categorization I’ve found (after gender) among people, in a social or work setting, even when I look at cheerfulness versus seriousness, is that of introverts and extroverts. I’m an introvert, and sometimes I need to convince others and myself that that’s not such a bad thing.
If you’re an introvert who’s felt guilty about being one, or if you’re an extrovert with introverted friends, children, family, or coworkers and you want to understand them better—especially if you know an introverted child or teen—I recommend reading The Introvert Advantage, by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D. I wish I’d read it much sooner. I wish it had been required reading as soon as I could comprehend it. The author is a psychologist and an introvert herself, so she knows our type from the inside out. I’ve read this book more than once and keep it on hand as a reference tool for its helpful checklists and tips on how to live as an introvert in an extroverted world.
Ahah! Another one-I knew it! I never really was that uncomfortable about being an introvert, although definitely went through periods of semi-belonging to groups of friends. Oddly enough I find myself more extroverted with maturity, though I still prefer a one-on-one relationship or even just being by myself. Writing in the blog is the most “talking” I’ve done in years. I think you’ll find yourself very much at ease at just being yourself the longer you allow yourself to just be.
I think I’m a bit of an introvert. I’d rather be in a quiet setting. Crowds really bother me. And I don’t ever seem to mind being alone. It’s a good thing to me.
I think that people who know me casually would be surprised at my shyness. Through the years, I’ve become quite good at hiding it.
But left to my own devices, I’d rather lead a quiet life. Not too many people at any one time.
One on one is the best.
I’m an extreme introvert. Your description pretty much fits me. Throughout my life I’ve been accused of being “stuck up” or “a recluse.” It isn’t that I dislike people, but I am uncomfortable trying to deal with more than about one person at a time and social situations panic me.
I don’t mind crowds per se. I enjoyed the crowded streets in New York City when I lived there. I figured I was anonymous, lost in the crowd, as good as alone!
I think our society tends to frown on introverts. Everybody is supposed to be a salesman, a slap ya on the back kinda guy (or gal). Heck, I see advertisements for drugs to alleviate (near as I can tell) shyness. Because so much in our society depends on social contacts and functioning in social situations, introversion can be a handicap but is it the shy who are ill or the society?
You’re probably familiar with the old Meyers-Briggs personality matrix that measures extroversion/introversion, thinking/feeling, intuition/sensing, and judgment/perception. A bunch of my co-workers (in a big Silicon Valley computer company) took an informal poll of Meyers-Briggs types and found that the overwhelming majority of software engineering types were introverts. As one of the few extroverts in the place, I’m considered one of the odd ones. (I’m an ENTP, if anyone is keeping score.)
I bounce between the two. When I’m up, in the manic phase, I’m extroverted to a fault, talk to anybody, laugh out loud, never met a stranger.
When I’m down, depressed, I’m a loner. No question.
But overall I’m an introvert. That’s why I write. It’s my expression to the world, because in social settings I’m either over the top hail fellow well met or sitting on the sofa at the party wishing I could have a conversation with ONE person.
So I vacillate. I cover up my introversion well. But I long to be quiet, alone with my thoughts.
Yes, blogdog, I’ve taken Myers-Briggs temperament tests, as well as a similar one called the Keirsey Sorter. It seems to me that being the only one of your type makes you an especially valuable team member who can provide a counterbalance to the rest of the group.
I’m an INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving), with leanings toward INFJ (Judging). I first took the Keirsey Sorter at a workshop about dealing with difficult people. Much later, my subsequent work organization held a one- or two-week strategic planning meeting. As a facilitator they hired a retired Navy Captain who used Myers-Briggs tests and a brief introduction to their meanings, before we got down to business, to get us all to understand our varied ways of thinking and how each of us worked as a leader. The majority of my colleagues at that time were ESTJs (Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging)—seemingly the complete opposite of INFP. I found that in striving to fit in I’d adapted to a certain degree, which skewed my test results while working there. I always tested as an IN, but the rest seemed to morph in response to my environment. But that wasn’t a natural adaptation for me. It was a strain at best, and resulted in a lot of stress that even translated into physical symptoms.
Note: I would advise anyone who takes the free online tests I’ve linked here to be sure to read all the material provided and if possible some of the books, because there’s a lot more to this than just four letters and keywords. I have the book, Please Understand Me, by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates, and have read through it so many times the pages are falling out. I find it invaluable for not only understanding myself and those around me, but also as a tool for developing characters in fiction.
I think of myself as an extroverted introvert. I am bubbly around others, but I much prefer being by myself. But it doesn’t really matter that much, does it?
Shyness is supposed to have developed as a survival mechanism when the unfamiliar, the strange, were likely to be dangerous as well. Sounds about right even today.
I was very shy and introverted as a child. Though I knew all the answers, if the teacher called on me, I’d start to cry. Then my mother taught me a trick: You don’t have to be an extrovert. Just establish eye contact, make a comment about the weather or their health or their clothes and you’re done. No further interaction required unless by consent of both parties.
Worked like a charm and knowing the code, I was no longer so shy. I knew the socially acceptable thing to do, and how much of it was necessary. And, oddly enough, I wasn’t so shy after that.
Hey Barbara!
I behave like an extrovert, but I’m told by all those tests that I’m
an introvert-so I guess I just have a survival persona I must have
learned being a military brat, moving every two years. So I don’t
think the ‘behavior’ per se is the thing…but maybe the deep feelings and ‘druthers would be more apt. I don’t know?
You might be interested in my new book, THE HAPPY INTROVERT- A WILD AND CRAZY GUIDE FOR CELEBRATING YOUR TRUE SELF. It explores many aspects of introversion and I use my cartoons to help explain. Chapters on children, adolescents, relationships, Jung, creativity, neurology, the MBTI and work, and a discusiion of the movie, Napoleon Dynamite.
This is a friendly, accessible book. Introverts will know themselves better, extraverts will understand introverts better. I learned a lot I didn’t know before by researching the topic. Almost no one understands what an introvert really is, I realize. And so many people think we are all morose or depressed. It simply is not true. We have much to be happy about - many gifts.
I hope you will read THE HAPPY INTROVERT and recommend it. There’s an interview of me and a book review on my web site. Click on its cover.
Yours truly,
Elizabeth Wagele
I am an extreme introvert and completely happy this way. Wouldn’t like to be anything except maybe even more introverted. I have finally gotten mysekf into s situation where I do not have to work. During the summer I can pick wild berries and sell them at the roadside for extra money. Working taught me a couple things 1. how to interact for about three minutes and get done what I want to with another person and be one my way(I have been a taxi driver/bus driver and horse sitter(horses are wonderful as you don’t need to speak to talk)
The worse things in life are for me being at times expected to interact with people. My SO says that he gets it that he understands but he doesn’t totally get it. Only one who is like me could “get it” and I have never met one who is even remotely like me in person
I am a shy introvert, and these are two different things, though people think get them confused. Anyway, I’ve always had double the societal disapproval. By “acting” I have learned to be less shy and I find I enjoy extroverting for a while. But eventually I always notice a pattern of zoning out during social engagements that go on too long for me, or getting really pissed off when among entroverts at a ball game or concert for instance, they are continually talking while I’m trying to concentrate on the event. I got yelled out by my boyfriend some weeks ago because on a road trip I wanted to read a book instead of talk to him and his friends non-stop. I was being “anti-social,” apparently the worst thing in the world to be. So anyway, understandably I need a break from that kind of pressure. Sometimes we’ll be driving home and he’ll say, “You just need to settle down!” because I’m completely quiet inside of my head watching the scenery go by. I’ve had other people say this to me and its annoying as hell. Being quiet isn’t a crime, I’m not plotting to machine gun up a bunch of people. Sometimes there isn’t anything worth talking about, and sometimes silence is just blessed, and I find its easier to think when my mouth isn’t working all the time. WTF is wrong with that? I get so tired of trying to explain myself. I get tired of being misunderstood. I don’t think extroverts will ever get us. Ever. The best thing I can do is continue to pretend as exhausting as it is, try to smooth out my quirks like zoning out and not talking enough. There’s always the sweet sanctuary of home where I don’t have to talk to anyone and the answering machine can get my calls.
Lala — I’ve found there’s a lot more understanding of the introverted personality these days than in past decades. It just doesn’t always feel that way, especially when we see the word “loner” all over the news, describing a mass murderer. What introvert hasn’t been referred to as a loner? I was alarmed to see the Virginia Tech shooter referred to so many times that way. In fact I’ve almost posted about it a couple of times, so I’m glad you mentioned it in your comment.
The early reports tended to imply that was the key to his violence. It was a horrible tragedy that caused lots of confusion, and of course people want to find a cause, and try to prevent future incidents like it. But there’s no reason to lead people to think every introvert is a potential killer. That’s far too sweeping a generalization for professional reporters and editors to rely on.
It’s possible the quotes about him being a loner came from people at the school who were still in so much shock they couldn’t think of any other word, so they oversimplified his deeper problems. Later reports revealed there was a lot more to the troubled young man than just being a loner. The more detailed reports indicate he wasn’t able to socialize at all in positive ways, even with close friends or family. He made no eye contact, rarely spoke out loud, and behaved in some rather alarming ways. He fixated on the Columbine shooters as martyrs, refused to communicate even when addressed directly, wrote disturbing violent material that offended and frightened other students, and was at one point strongly urged by a teacher to seek mental health counseling. That’s not your typical introvert. It would be nice if the reports pointed that out more clearly.
It’s too bad that there are still people who think of us introverts as abnormal. After all, everyone is at least a little bit introverted and at least a little bit extroverted. I personally think that those who dismiss us so easily are missing out on knowing some interesting people whose acquaintance might enrich their lives if they bothered to look below the surface. We are in the minority, but with the statistics I’ve seen indicating that one in four people is introverted (compared to 8 to 15% of the population being left-handed), we’re not that small a minority.
I hope that if your boyfriend and friends are regularly putting down your introverted tendencies, you’ve made it clear to them that it hurts your feelings. People who care about you shouldn’t treat you that way, they should appreciate you as you are, and surely if they do care, if they’re aware that it bothers you, they’ll stop. It would be easy for me to recommend that you find new, kinder friends if this is a constant, but obviously I don’t know your whole situation. There’s nothing wrong with being different — imagine how dull the world would be if we were all the same.
I’ve had many kind extroverted employers, coworkers, friends, and family members who accept and appreciate who I am, without me having to constantly act more extroverted. Maybe that’s necessary for job interviews, or for the occasional business presentation, but even with interviews, it’s better to find an employer who understands your strengths and appreciates them, and a type of work that suits you, if possible. There are introverted employers out there, too. When you’re relaxing with friends, you should be able to be yourself.
I highly recommend The Introvert Advantage. It helps you learn to draw on your strengths in various situations, offering tips on how to feel more like you fit in, without having to behave like an extrovert (and likely exhaust yourself doing so).
Another book that might interest you is Please Understand Me by David Kiersey and Marilyn Bates. (I hope it’s still in print. My copy is eleven years old.) It’s based on a personality typing system similar to Meyers-Briggs called the Kiersey Sorter. I found this book fun and rewarding to share and discuss with family and friends, to help us appreciate each other’s differences.
You might also want to read about the actual Meyers-Briggs typing. It might interest you to know that business meeting facilitators have used Meyers-Briggs typing to help groups of business people communicate more effectively by understanding each other’s personality differences (including those who are introverted) and communication styles. I’ve attended such meetings myself, and I liked the results. I’ve also used the typing to help me clarify characters in my fiction writing and understand their motivations better.
I think the hardest time of life to deal with being an introvert in an extroverted world is probably during our teenage and young adult years, when socializing is critically important to us. It’s practically a survival skill then. That was a time of major adjustments, and of learning new skills and coping strategies, for me. I had to push myself to come out of my shell when it counted most, while maintaining a semblance of who I really am. This got somewhat easier as I got older and realized I was fine, and much more comfortable, being myself most of the time.
The key is not to try to be “normal” — whatever that really is — but to find what’s best for you, your comfort zone, and be happy with that. You shouldn’t have to turn yourself inside out for anyone.
Best wishes, and thanks for stopping by my blog.
I’m so glad to be seeing more information (especially the brain-mapping studies) about Introversion. I am an extreme introvert. The Introvert Advantage was a Godsend to me. I always thought there was something wrong with me (with LOTS of help from others). I get SO tired of hearing:
“You’re too quiet”
“Oh, I always thought you were just a snob”
“You’re too serious”
“I don’t know if spending so much time by yourself is healthy”
“Smile!”
“I think you’re depressed”
etc. etc., vomit
I feel much better about myself now. It’s nice not to always think you’re socially retarded or antisocial.
Thanks for sharing everyone. Power to the (introverted) people!
Great Article. Loved it. Your writing is grat
Hey fellow Introvertians,
I am a grad student at a small undergraduate university..I am introverted and I feel that I am surrounded by an age-class (18-22) that cannot comprehend the concept of introversian, and who hold the opinion that it is a highly negative attribute. I quite often feel guilty over this and try to to be more like them but it really never works-actually I think it is physically, mentally and emotionally impossible for me….I get weird looks a lot and feel that they are trying to avoid me, but actually on the inside I really feel fine and happy, I am just not as expressive as they are. It’s get so very tiring feeling that people think there is something wrong with me…I think this has made me self conscious and even MORE introverted..a complete positive feedback loop. ANyway, it was nice to read the story above and the comments on this page. Thanks.
I am also a introvert, and I got to tell you I am tired of it. It is holding me back. if you look at it the extroverts get all the girls, meanwhile us introverts are complaining about being lonely. I want to change, yet I find it impossible.
Wow I alwaysed thought that I was the only introvert but I was wrong..Some people always say to me: Hey talk a little, Are you ok?, You look depressed and the worse part there they acuse me of being angry but I’m not my facial expression is just laugh and look angry to them.. The worse part about this is that I often feel un secure I mean I always think of some in class always back stabs me, I look calm but deep down it really hurts. P.S. I only noticed it about being an introvert just today..I was never good at making friends either It only calms me down with one on one conversation.. Oh yeah nice written there I feel more “me”
Yeah jose I feel your pain some people often give me advise but its practically impossible to change your self I mean introvert to extrovert..well to tell you the truth family and few friends get me out of that lonelyness and some anime will help..hehe
Hi,
I don’t know if someone can be strictly introvert or extrovert…!!
It’s just a tag to explain behaviour…I am not an introvert because I’m afraid or feel uncomfortable to socialise…It’s just as easy for me to get all the attention, crack people up with my humour…talk to strangers…
etcetra…
But still people can call me an introvert since it’s totally my decission if what I want to be in this moment…!!
I have learnt an important lesson after a lot of introspection ( introvert strength
) that acting is bad…!!
Never act…on anything….we all have something which tells us what to be at certain time where least enrgy is spent…
Like there are times when I just cant stay quiet…seems like a lot of enrgy being spent into that task…
at other times….exactly opposite that happens….
I am an extreme introvert. I am beginning to accept that this is my personality and it will probably never change, but it’s hard to at this point in my life. I am in college and every girl on my hall is an extrovert. I feel like I don’t fit in and never will, and that they don’t want me around because I am boring or dull. I enjoy being around people but if they expect me to participate in their small talk it’s not going to happen that easily. To them I come across as stuck up or that I don’t like them which is definetely not true.
I prefer to spend my time reading and writing. That’s why I’m an english major. It’s what I do best.
i think i am also an extreme introvert.I think because of my desires and my way of living ,i think people are not generous enough to digest those type of living.They ,mainly extroverts, prefer a social kind of things.I am mainly a [snipped by moderator]. 85 % of times i like to be in [snipped] thoughts and doing, which i think people dont accept.I think there is some pbm with extroverts and introvert nature is being true to ourselves.I think thinking deeply,and truly makes you an introvert.
Anonymous (comment #22) — I had to snip your comment. You reminded me of a line from a favorite movie of mine, Spanglish, in which Cloris Leachman, in character as the grandmother, tells her errant adult daughter who’s cheating on her husband that sometimes her low self-esteem is just good sense. Many inhibitions placed on us by society may be exaggerated and inappropriate today. Others have a purpose, for instance of protecting the vulnerable, such as children, or simply helping others to feel comfortable around us. I don’t necessarily want to impose my rules on everyone, but I guess I’d turn that movie line into advice to both extroverts and introverts, as well as shy people: Sometimes it’s appropriate to hold back.
I’m so confused right now and this page really helped. Thanks!
I just read that book! The Introvert Advantage was *fantastic*! She puts so many things so perfectly, as do you in your article. I am also INFP. It’s a tricky way to be.
I especially empathize with your third-to-last paragraph. I think you’re so right. My grandparents and family especially are always emphasizing that we need to always see the silver lining. But it’s ridiculous to say that I’m in the wrong for also seeing the cloud. I write, and I write about negative things only because I’m being positive inside and have hope. Introverts think, and they think deeply.
I, like you, like to have one-on-one conversations, and I enjoy having deep conversations. That book really helped me to see that that’s okay. Just because my family doesn’t approve (lol) doesn’t mean that I’m a sub-human.
Thank you for what you wrote.
i am sooo happy for this opportunity to see all these commments…..its so funny how this happened i was doing this quiz on facebook and there was this question : “are you an introvert or an extrovert” and i didn’t kno the meaning of either :$….so i looked it up on the net and then bammm i was like OMG thats soo me (introvert)….it was kinda gettin to me recently that everyone kept calling me weird…..and “quiet” or “what happen to you” or “smilee!” its pretty annoying now cuz i jus graduated and theres more kinda social time with friends cuz its summer and all as opposed to being occupied with school work and i was wonderin what the hell was wrong with mee…..i always finding myself in my little own bubble where i would jus sit and introspect or just observe my surroundings and enjoyed it i didn’t mlind being by myself at all…..noww i don’t find it that weird ….cuz i realise theres actually a word for it…and that i’m not the onlyy one! i’m an introvert!…..but i enjoy bein on the beach(is that wrong)…and was kinda confused about doin marine biology or going into arts and literature i think i’m gonna do literature and arts….cuz i think i’d feel more comfortable in that area.
thanks!!! (lee)
I was so glad to find her book. I’m an introvert, married to an extrovert. I always wondered why I couldn’t get my wife interested in the things I like. And why I’ve felt so isolated from people in general. And why so few people think things through before they jump into action. And why I am one of the few people who the patience, stamina and concentration to be able to sit down for long periods and fix the things they screwed up. Now I realize that extroverts just can’t help being short-sighted. It’s not their fault. They’re born that way. And it makes me so much better to know that they outnumber me 3 to 1. I can sleep so much better now.
I’m an introvert but because of maturity people can see me as a extrovert type of girl. But knowing and being an introvert it helps me to understand better who I really am. I’m proud to be an introvert.
I have always been extremely introverted. My teachers suggested to my parents that I was antisocial, and that was all the way back in 1962. The people fixers always seem to swarm me trying to “fix” what’s wrong with me. Only problem with that is there’s nothing wrong with me. I find being around people exhausting, and conversing difficult. At least when I’m alone, no one is trying to diagnose and repair me.
I’ve been searching the internet for days trying to find some positive things about being an introvert. I’m so glad I found this blog. I was always considered shy, but what I constantly read in the media, like Barbara, that introverts (loners) are the mass murderers, the ills of society; you have to watch out for the quiet ones. I strongly disagree. I always thought sociopaths meant, being obscessed with popularity, people who crave being in the spotlight-another words- extremely social. But every meaning of the word that I looked up meant it to be anti-social. Like Eric said, is it the shy who are ill or society? That is such a great line. I have this person in my neighborhood who says he is ridiculously social; he works in information technology. He constantly hugs everyone. One time he counted the number of people he had by his house. I found that very odd! I find extroverts pushy, arrogant and very judgemental. I enjoy immensely my quiet times at home with my family. I think and focus better when I’m alone. I can’t stand it when people say,”being anti-social isn’t good for you.” I’m not stuck up or a recluse. I don’t crave the need for attention. There is nothing wrong with being content with your surroundings. There’s seems to be more trouble in large social circles: fights, gossip, misuse of drugs and alcohol, infidelity… You hear it every day. But you don’t hear the cause of it. But you do hear it all the time, especially in the media, of being a loner. That has to change.
Anonymous — I’m glad you stopped by and commented. I wonder if people realize what they’re saying when they complain about someone being an introvert — basically telling someone who’s perfectly normal that there’s something wrong with them. I think usually they’re just acting out of ignorance — which means you’re right that the public media image of introverts needs to change.
I’m becoming more extroverted about explaining to others that I’m an introvert, but that’s the only concession I hope I have to make, from here on out. I spent too many years already trying to please extroverts by trying to be more like them. It wears you down after a while. I’m tired.
Thank you for visiting!
I love this article. I am an Introvert – very introverted and was born into a family of Extroverts. It seemed that no one understood the way I processed information – after all that is the biggest difference between introverts and extroverts. Introverts process by thinking, extroverts process by talking.
Both of my children are extroverts, one being is very extroverted. Talk about turning the tables on me. I am trying to learn to just listen to them without becoming overwhelmed with all of the talking.
Great article – I loved the topic. I found great resources on the Myers Briggs definitions of Extroversion and Introversion – they sum up the information for those in the dark.
thanks for the article… it helps me understand myself..
I do know that I am an introvert, an extreme one perhaps..
I have tried to change it, by smile more, act cheerful, and talk alot…
but doing those things only made me look silly and suck.. I realize that it will never work…I really cannot express myself, I think i’m the most boring person in the world
By reading this, I know that I’m not alone. I will accept myself as it is… thank you very much.. love to you all!
Thanks for your post! I especially liked the part about being serious / “negative” as that is a part of introversion I hadn’t previously considered. The hardest thing I found about being so strongly introverted is social expectations. Over the years I’ve learned to “fake it” in order to survive family obligations, work and even university, but sadly it totally exhausts me and I resent society for making me do this to myself, as I’m sure its not healthy.
Despite other people’s put-downs and negativity, I have learned to accept my personality as it is, even to be proud of being strongly introverted, but the hard part is overcoming social structures. For example where I live house prices are so much higher than salaries that even as a professional it is common to rent a share house, and eventually buy a place when you are part of a couple. There are so few single apartments, and they are so expensive, that I am wondering if I will ever afford my own place. When shopping the sales assistants chat incessantly, anything less than constant talk and smiles is considered bad service. At work it is open plan offices, meetings and team-work, after work is sports, drinks and other social stuff: if you can’t or won’t do those things your career will certainly suffer. To me it feels like discrimination, but the law says otherwise, so I’ve learned to cope as best I can, and am constantly on the lookout for a better option. Thanks for helping me to feel validated!
I’m an introvert, too. I’ve tried to change the way I am because in grade school the teachers were making a fuss about me because they thought I had some kind of mental problems or that I was abused at home and my mother, who is also an introvert, was constantly battling them and she even explained that I was very happy and lively at home and that both of my parents are introverts which means the offspring are most likely to be the same, but they just didn’t seem to understand. I felt like I didn’t belong and it was impossible for me to change which led to me developing issues with depression.
But as I got older I accepted who I am and I’m much happier now.
It’s awesome that there are other introverts out there though.
Oh man, this is some comforting stuff!! I’m not sure how I made it 35 years without all this information, but better late than never! I feel like I’ve been searching for my “tribe” my whole life which has lead me into lots of difficult(for me)communal living situations, most recently a yoga retreat center in Mexico. I always wondered why I was the odd woman out…why didn’t I just love all the games and group activities? Why couldn’t I just hang out and talk to people for hours? Why would I hide out and wait for everyone to go out or to bed when I was really hungry just to be able to use the kitchen without having to talk to anyone? What was wrong with me?!
Well, nothing it seems:) In fact, it’s kind of cool to be weird…It’s also nice to know that my tribe is out there after all, it’s just that we’re hiding:)
Cheers!
I think I’m an extreme introvert (96% on the MBTI), but in practice it varies from “complete hermit” to “just not real chatty”. I actually love hanging out with friends, up to 10 or so, and I prefer 3-5 because I’m more of a “commenter” than a “driver” when it comes to conversation. I virtually never go to bars or parties where large numbers of strangers are present, and I really hate it when I go somewhere with a couple of friends and then they wander off to talk to other people and leave me an island in a sea of strangers. Usually I end up just hiding in a corner until they return.
Biggest problem for me is meeting new people, especially women. It’s bad enough being a shy man, but my situation is complicated by the fact that I’m also a small/thin man — not a “strong, silent” type that a woman is likely to make the first move with. I have never in my life (and I’m over 40) been flirted with. The absolute best connections I’ve had with women have always come from those who are already in a relationship or married, and thus they feel “safe” from the threat of misleading me.
I’ve been told by more friends than I can count to just “suck it up” and “put myself out there”, as though everything can be solved just by turning into an extrovert.